the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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