Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
