I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
