My hand turned me down
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
