I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
