The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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