I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize