He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
