Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
