I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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