I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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