jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
