So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
