In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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