why do cheetos always look like penises
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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