According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
