theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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