I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
well, you know. whores of a feather.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
