Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
