she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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