i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
