i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
