I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
