yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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