Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
