How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
