MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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