I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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