didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
