Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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