So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
