Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
