I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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