Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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