I wish I could punch you in the face.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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