i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
