I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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