I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
