she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
