Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
