Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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