dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
