Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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