i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
