no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize