I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
