i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
