Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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