We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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