Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
