I am spending my child support on dildos
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Randomize