do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
