i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
