I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
