I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
