when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
